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Go Green Death!
I really don’t have much to say about this (it really speaks for itself and you can come to your own conclusions) except for the fact that you need to read it….all of it. This email comes from a Scituate (suburb of Boston) soccer coach of a girls under 8 team. He apparently works at Eaton Vance. He apparently should try to keep that job because he does not have a chance in hell of coaching this team after sending this email to the parents of the girls on his soon to be former team. Enjoy:
Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is [you don't really need to know] and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies. [Assistant 1] will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular [Assistant 2] to return to the sidelines. Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM. There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours. All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School. Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required. A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices. There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place. If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email). Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct. After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc. We used to tape the earrings, but that practice is no longer acceptable. Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of. My home phone is XXXXX, my cell number is XXXXX, and I check my email frequently. According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others……
OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7″ for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach [Assistant 1] has been designated “good guy” this year.
Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.
These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.
Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?
Go Green Death!
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Wow. Awesome.
First off, as someone who has reffed 8 year old girls’ soccer – I think I’ve met this guy before – and it didn’t go well.
But secondly, and strangely, I don’t really disagree with him. He’s obviously insane and abundantly dramatic, but he has a point about not over-coddling kids. His last line is actually pretty cool (albeit a tad crazy), raising girls to be winners who will “stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo”. On a completely related note- we really are raising a generation of pansies who get trophies for everything and just expect life to be handed to them – and while this lunatic is obviously the other extreme, I think he’s on to something.
Thirdly, I hope this gets made into a Disney sports movie – I think the lead should be played by either Alec Baldwin, Rob Lowe, or Stephen Segal. Just please, not Dwayne The Rock Johnson…
Seriously, hey hollywood: prissy girls from an upperclass suburb get a surprise when their new soccer coach turns out to be an ex-army drill sargent with a pension for screaming and pushups. At first they don’t like him, but then he teaches them to be stronger people and they warm up to him just in time for the big game. At one point one of the girls is inspired by a practice and now has more courage with boys. Another girl stands up to her potentially abusive father. Also, one of the moms, likely of the main girl, has a crush on the coach, they go on a date and hold hands. Just when we think everything is perfect, the girls overhear the coach talking about something else, that they misinterpret as talking badly about them, but then this miscommunication is cleared up and everyone forgets it happened. In the end, they beat the boys team in some contrived scrimmage. Lastly, one of the girls who is uber-prissy turns a little tomboyish while the tomboyish girl is now wearing makeup. Throughout: hilarity ensues.
Roll credits. End.
@Zach I agree with you, but wanted the email to speak for itself without me injecting my own feelings. Most of the email I don’t disagree with actually – it’s just seriously over the top. He lost all credibility with me after telling parents what to feed their 7 year old girls – he wasn’t really a lunatic until then….that was then followed up the HGH joke, which is really just poor form.
I love the movie idea except they already did that movie – Mighty Ducks (I, II, or III) I don’t know which one. I guess it being on grass instead of ice completely changes things.
I find it hard to believe that this guy wasn’t obviously trying to be an entertainer. Green Death? High comedy. The competitive message is intact but the off-the-deep-end stuff is clearly a joke and that actually works to temper the seriousness. In a nutshell, he is simultaneously lambasting the pathetic coddling of our youth and satirizing the hyper-competitive, win-at-all-costs, fun-killing approach to sports and life.
Maybe I’m over-analyzing.
I want Vince Vaughn to play lead.
What’s interesting is that I’d heard a bunch about this on ESPN.com and NPR beforehand, talking about how he’d been relieved of his duty, etc. The quotes that they took out of it were pretty bad, and it sounded like the guy was a maniac.
NPR reported it as a funny little bit before their news, and they mentioned that he’d said the e-mail was meant as a joke.
Now that I’ve read the whole thing, I can say that I think it sounds like a joke, and a pretty good one. Obviously he didn’t know his audience (he rails against “sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos” but that’s probably exactly who these parents were.
I think it’s funny. The guy has a lack of common sense but it does sound like a joke to me….
@Ryan & Dave for some reason I never even considered that this was joke – after reading it back, I think you’re right…it looks like a joke. Pretty funny, now that I think about it.
In terms of a “joke”, the guy may have been joking in his email (still not confirmed), but as a whole, the email is legit and was in fact sent to all the parents in Scituate. The guy is actual parent and coaches soccer. He works on the trading desk at Eaton Vance. A coworker of mine has a child playing for that team and forwarded me the original email which I then forwarded to AMR.